What's wrong with feeling?

Okay... So I realize that I am having way too much fun with this whole blog thing... But I mean damn! Speaking my mind... With no interruptions... It's just great! l0l...

S0 moving along...

I been thinking a lot lately... Really taking a good look at myself... And others... And just basically asking myself questions... And the one that really stood out to me was... 

What is wrong with having feelings? 

What is so wrong with liking? Loving? Being hurt? Being scared?

I never realized until today that I saw having feelings as being weak... But to actually feel and live with those feelings... You have to be strong... Strong enough to accept them... To live with them... To express them... And deal with what comes with them...

As we all know... You can't control your feelings... There's no way to put them in check... No way to deny them... We can push them to the back of our minds... But eventually they surface in a way that is usually negative... And it all could have been avoided if you had just accepted them to begin with...

That was and has always been my way to cope with them... To act if they weren't there... And I would fight them tooth and nail just to be perceived as strong... As invincible... But in reality... I was weak... Weak in the fact that I would rather lie about what was going on inside of my head... And act as if everything was all good... I mean for a while... You can pretend it all doesn't exist... But then... No matter how hard you try... What you feel is what you feel? No if, ands, or but's...

It's funny that it's taken me almost 7 years and 4 somewhat special people to get to that brilliant conclusion... But it's hard when you have people around you faulting you for going with what you feel... Making side comments about you... Laughing about you... You just want to act as if nothings there... And pick on the people who have enough strength to acknowledge what they're feeling...

And to all those people I've done that to... I'm sorry... Your feelings... Are your feelings... And who the hell am I to judge?

All of this I realized last weekend... When once again... I lost control... And I finally got what I was supposed to learn... 

Liking... Loving... Being hurt... Being scared...

All legitimate feelings...

There's nothing wrong with feeling... Nothing at all... 

Really Though...

Man... I been reading a lot lately about people being played by the opposite sex... And the one thing I been seeing sort of a pattern in is the fact that all these people say "I never saw this coming"... And I just want to say... MY DUDE!!! YES YOU DID!!!! As much as we all try to play innocent... And act truly shocked... How can we possibly be? Especially when there are tell tale signs... Sure they may be little things... But real talk... Those little things are sure fire signs of bigger things to come... Everyone is so quick to make excuses for people... I mean really... Sometimes... We choose to ignore what every bit of common sense in our bodies is telling us... (And it's not like you can even pretend that it ain't there because you feel it all over ) So I can't seem to figure out why when someone shows their ass... We're quick to help them cover it up again... I mean really... WTF is that??? l0l... Really... So next time boys and girls... When you know damn well that somewhere down the line... Shit is going to hit the fan... Don't play and act all suprised when it do... Because you're bitchass knows you knew!!! You saw it!!! And you let it happen... Be real about it... I don't want to hear nothing... Your ass can kick rocks!!! l0l

 

Delusions of Grandeur...ENTER...{ME}

Man... 

Lately I've been on another level of crazy...

Someplace nobody should ever be...

The problem...

Is something I've dealt with before...

Well not really...

Because if I had... 

I wouldn't be in the same bullshit again...

So... 

I can't blame the situation anymore...

When obviously it's me...

Me not being honest with myself...

And accepting it or whatever it is I think is going on...

Or I think I want...

So right now is where I come to terms with what I really want...

And tell the truth...

Real talk and Contrary to Popular Belief

 I do have feelings- And I like those feelings they're exciting and they make life more interesting... 

No one can live without feelings...

I do have a heart- It's just a little weaker than most...

I do care about people-I care a little too much, so it's easier to just pretend I don't... 

I don't want to be nobody's girl right now- I just want to be me and not worry about no one else but me. I mean it sounds nice, but I can't do it right now. Too much on my plate.

I don't want no bullshit- I don't want people to pretend they like me when they don't. I'm not going to do that, so why the hell should you? 

I'm not the asshole I pretend to be- That person I've been lately. I don't really like. It makes me look stronger, but it's just not me. I'm not a fighter. I'm so non-confrontational. (So if i bring anything to your attention, it has to be serious because I don't do that.) Really I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet. Sure I may joke around and play mean, but I don't mean a word of it.

So... I've come to terms with who I am... And what I don't want in my life... I'm just me... And that's all I'm going to be...