Whatever it was... l0l

Gosh... I can't keep beating myself up over this... I've taken responsibility for my actions and the role I played... But for some reason... I can't put it to rest...

Maybe it's because I can't understand why things had to happen the way they did... Why the bridge had to be completely burned...

But maybe that's just it....

I needed to know that I was so close...To have that taste...

To put my head where I need it to be...

I wasn't in the game before... I was just going through the motions until success snuck up on me...

But that's just it...

Success doesn't sneak up on people... It takes hard work and complete and absolute focus and dedication.... I was nowhere near focused.... I was caught up on the idea.... Just the possibilty.... Could you imagine the actual thing? I needed to know how it felt... To know that I needed to go hard so I could have that when I could handle it...

I want it all...

Hello Blog...

Ok...

So...

Writing this book...

Named it Savoir Faire...

It's about...

I don't know how to explain...

I guess you could call it a love story...

But at the same time it's not...

It's based on a true story...

But because I'm a little fuzzy on the details...

It'll most likely be more so fiction...

I love this story...

But I must say...

It is quite a challenge...

It's literally one of the hardest stories I've ever written...

Probably because it has a message...

I cannot wait to have it done...

Probably because it's killing me to write...

l0l

And for the record...

I mean no harm...

I just have to tell the world...

Man... It's like finally escaping... But as soon as I see the fence... I fall back to where I was... I don't get this.... I just don't understand... I fought so hard for this not to happen... But it just wouldn't go away... I couldn't get away.... This situation is impossible... Ah! I just want to scream... I'm running out of options... And my heart can only take so much...

Ready for change...

Point blank... 

I am tired...

I am hurt...

And I am basically broken...

I don't think I've ever taken this many hits at one time...

I think everything has finally caught up to me...

I was so steady playing roles and just plain old being who they wanted me to be that I lost my mind...

And now the consequences of my actions and my pure recklessness are kicking my ass now...

I know that I was wrong...

I knew that I was wrong then too...

I know saw the cliff and my ass walked right off...

But I'm still here...

With bruises, scratches, and broken bones...

The fall didn't kill me...

And what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger...

And even though I'm hurting now...

I enter tomorrow with more strength and smarts than I had before...

Really I can't say this enough...

I'm sorry to all of those I hurt on my way over the edge...

I hope you guys can find comfort in the FACT that I am a changed person...

People say that true change is never an overnight thing...

And it's true...

Changing is a truly difficult thing to do...

But everyday more progress is made in my rehabilitation...

I know that somedays will be harder than others...

But the goal is clear...

I never ever want to fall over the edge again...

As history repeats itself... The mistakes of yesterday become much more clear... In my heart... I don't think I can handle this again... And I'm not sure if I can just let God and let go... My heart is broken... But I don't think it's for the right reasons... I'm morning the loss of an idea... And not the reality...

So...

Lemme drop some quick useful knowledge on you...

Go with your gut...

And you'll NEVER be wrong...

It is that simple...

duble0...

Over and out...

....?

Those who say they are surprised by the downfall of others are either completely oblivious to life... 

Or lying to themselves...

There is no way in my opinion to not feel the ground cracking...

It's like being hit by a car and not feeling it...

It's just not possible...

I think what surprises people is how perfectly each piece of the puzzle falls into place upon destruction...

I think it's the realization that the car has hit the wall that gets them...

And then chaos is inevitable...

So what to do...

I honestly don't know... 

I guess you hope for the best but prepare for the worst...

So...?

I think last month was a testament to the fact that karma is a bitch and she will get your ass... l0l

The situation was...

I was doing what felt good vs. what I knew was right...

I knew what I was doing was wrong...

And I was just as Joseph Campbell would say : "Following my bliss."

And sure I was feeling real good...

But I have to admit...

Not a damn thing felt right...

Not even a little bit...

And that good feeling was only temporary...

So in the long run following my bliss got me no where...

I think I finally got that now...

Doing what feels good in the moment when you know good and damn well that down the line shit IS going to hit the fan...

It's just plain and simply put...

STUPID AND RECKLESS!!!

I've said this before...

But I never really understood exactly what that meant until now...

I never actually paid any attention to it because I didn't want to...

But now when you have a month like last month...

You start to stop and take notice...

So now...

I'm going to say to hell with what feels good...

And hello to what I know is right...

My Lima Bean...

So I was at work today... 

And I overheard a co-worker talking about his four year old granddaughter who had planted a lima bean in her class...

Immediately I remembered back to when I was in kindergarten and I had done the same project...

I remember everyday I would run over to my lima bean...

And I would just look at it...

And for a while I didn't see anything but dirt...

And I remember thinking that maybe I had done something wrong...

So I told my mom I was done and that I wanted to give up...

She told me that I needed to be patient and wait for my little bean to grow...

So I continued to water my bean...

Finally one day I saw a little stem popping out from the dirt... 

And I was ecstatic...

My bean had grown...

I had done nothing but what I could do for the bean...

I just needed to be patient with it...

I couldn't make it the bean do what I wanted to do in my own time... 

I had to be patient and be there to help it grow....

"All things come to him who waits - provided he knows what he is waiting for."

- Woodrow T. Wilson

Public Service Announcment!!!

Attention Ladies!!!

Recently it has come to my attention that females that I know of have been not using their brains...

I guess in their quest for "love" they have been failing to realize when they are being played...

I can't seem to understand it myself...

I mean don't we have all as females have that thing called "intuition" built into us?

I mean isn't it there to warn us when things ain't right!?!?

So then why do we ignore what is already known to be true?

How is it that certain females can allow themselves to be an option to someone who they are making a priority?

I mean you have to know that dude IS talking shit about you behind your back... 

And plain and simply disrespecting you on the regular and putting you on blast for being desperate?!?!

How can you not know?

What the f*ck?!?!

I mean... 

How can that even feel right? 

Is the comfort of knowing you have someone... ANYONE... really that great?

No... 

Not even a little bit...

So to all you females who CLAIM to be UNAWARE of being one of the aforementioned...

I'm going to break it down for you right now...

If you find yourself calling dude to hang out excessively while his phone calls to you are little or non-existent... HE NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR MIND

If when dude calls you, it is after 10 o'clock and you f*ck... CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A BOOTY CALL

If the majority of the time you spend with dude, alcohol or weed are present... YOU'RE ONLY ENTERTAINING WHEN HE'S UNDER THE INFLUENCE

If when you are with dude, he's all over you, and then SUDDENLY when another female approaches and he completely flips the script with you, acting like your shit on his shoe... HE DOES NOT WANT SAID FEMALE TO KNOW ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU THEREFORE IMPLICATING THAT YOU'RE NOT THE IMPORTANT ONE 

If any of the things above apply to you...

YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE PLAYED!!!!

And please don't try to fight me on this one...

TRUTH HURTS!!!!!

I am not saying this to be an asshole... Actually I'm doing quite the opposite... I'm trying to give you the wake up call your friends are too damn dumb to give you because I actually care! It's just not a good look...

I know in your mind you probably saying "well I'm only using him for sex anyways."

Okay then tell me this...

When you see him with another female... Does it bother you??? Do you automatically start judging the other female??? Do you call her things like "bitch" or "hoe"???

Or my favorite... "Well I had him last night." 

If you said no to either...

What the f*ck I look like???? You know you do!!! 

Are you not aware of what you're saying?!?! Does it really make you feel better to tear somebody else down to build yourself up?!?! That girl ain't did shit to you... You need to go after dude or let him go if his actions are leading you to be someone so ugly...

No... Because at the end of the day... You may be the one that he's with... Don't mean you're the one he wants...

So... If you or anybody else you know is degrading themselves for some dude that's feelings are manufactured instead of natural... Please get them to read this!!!! 

I wrote this because I thought it was my responsiblity as a female who's eyes are open... And am sick and tired of seeing females so disrespected... I do this out of love...

So next time you in the club with your dude... And his attention goes towards another female... Let your attention go towards another male... PERMANENTLY!!!

All good things come to an end...

It's inevitable...

Nothing lasts forever...

I know this...

So why am I holding on to something that has to be done for now?

I mean why do any of us do it? 

We know that we can't stop the ticking time clock and yet at the same time we do everything in our power to change what is fated...

What is that?

The only battle in life that is always a losing one is one fought against fate...

It's the fear of what is approaching and our attempts to change it that inevitably feuls what is fated...

So in the end...

Fighting it does nothing...

And accepting it is all that is left to do...

!Lightbulb!

Feelings are inevitable...

Learn to live with them...

Because true story...

You can't live without them...

Oh well...

I just don't get people...

It's kind of disgusting...

How someone can look right at you and lie....?

Wtf?!?!

Really though...

I ain't even twisted about it...

But really though...

It's true knowledge is pain...

LMA0... What was I thinking of?!?!?

So...

I was minding my business...

Downloading free music...

Not pirating for once...

So I open the file...

I read...

A Night Off - Drake (Yes Jimmy from Degrassi!!! l0l) feat. Lloyd...

So I listen...

And it was all over...

But then to make matters worse...

Because I just wanted to see what would happen if i listened to the song with headphones...

You know...

Without any outside interruptions...

Wow...

That was a very very very bad idea...

I Just Can't Help It...

I'm so0o0oooo0o effin excited...

Just at the possibilities life is throwing my way...

I don't know...

I mean...

I just can't imagine that I could have another year of bullshit...

Really though...

Things have just been so blah for the past few years...

I mean really...

Nothing has really gone right for me...

And damn it...

I am not going to have another shit year...

So...

Real talk...

This year...

2009...

I will have a great year...

None of the regular drama...

None of the bullshit...

This year is going to be the shit no matter what!!!

And you want to know why!!!

Because I effin said so!!!!

Right now... I'm on cloud nine just at all the possibilities that life has to bring to me... And ain't nothing going to wreck that for me! 

Nader damn thing...

LMFAO!!!!

Here Today... Gone Tomorrow...

It's amazing how life works... I mean one minute things are just fine and dandy... And all around just plain old peachy... And all it takes is one event to change it all...

So I was in a hit and run on Sunday... And I'm a little beat up... But I'm alive... Right now I'm just thinking that it could have been a whole lot worse... I mean I watched the car coming at me and even though you would think it was terrifying... Amazingly enough... The thoughts that went through my mind were far from that... I really don't know how to explain it... But I didn't see my life flash before my eyes... Or feel as if I was done for... It was more like a feeling of this is far from over... It was all too ironic... And I was oddly calm about it... I mean don't get me wrong... I was mad as hell the bitch drove off... And did snap into beast mode and caught up to her ass... 

But I really think it was meant to happen... It was a wake up call... Not meant for me... But for those around me... I mean... Considering when and where it happened... My accident served as a wake up call for somebody around me... Hopefully they got the message...

Tomorrow's not promised to anyone... Say what you need to say today... So you don't regret what you didn't get the chance to say tomorrow...

I'm glad I did what I did... And now I can let it all go... And let the past be the past... So I can live for the future...

Lions Tigers & Bears

It's funny because I week ago... I couldn't sleep... I was anxious... Irritable... Confused... And I couldn't focus to save my life... I mean I was a serious mess... Everything I was doing was just going through the motions... Because I didn't know what exactly I should do... For the simple fact that I had no idea what I was really feeling about anything... So when I got to my boiling point... I had to do something... So I did... At first I must say I deeply regretted what I did... But as time went on... And I could finally think... It made things so much clearer... And I'm relieved... No more bitchassness... I'm done...

For the Love of Nothing..

It's funny the things that people do for no reason at all...

Because in the moment it feels good...

And makes them happy...

I just can't understand how anyone can do something to somebody so horrible for the shear pleasure of it? 

I mean... 

How can torture be gratifying? 

How can humiliation be entertaining?

How can someone elses pain bring someone else joy?

Of all the things I've done in my life... Either out of jealousy or spite... At the end of the day... I really could never say I was proud of any of it...

I mean to know that I personally caused someone else anguish... All for fun?!? It always bothers me... To hurt someone else to fit in... It's hard to forgive myself for it... 

I mean really...

It's amazing what you'll do to fit in... For someone's attention... For their affection... You'll betray everything you hold dear... Do things you find morally wrong... And in the end... You know that deep down inside... For that person to encourage and watch you do something so vile... With the knowledge that this is so cruel to the victim... You know that that person is someone you needed to never have allowed into your life... Because you know for sure that they truly care about nothing but themself...

It's just not possible to care for one... And then not care for another... 

I hate everything I said... Everything I did... Everything I felt...

But still I knew every step of the way... I knew what I was doing was wrong... I went against everything I knew... Against my common sense... All for the excitement of the feelings... As empty as they were... 

So...

All I can do now is forgive...

Forgive everything I did...

Because it all was for the love of nothing...

Another Random Observation..

You ever noticed how what somebody else wants will quickly become something that you want... And possibly something you never even had in your mind???

Just a thought...

Pandora's box...

I opened it...

Now to get it closed...

Real talk...

I wish I knew what to do...

But I have no idea...

UGH!!!!

Only dumb people fall in love...

I know it's a little harsh...

But I must say...

It's so danm true...

The smarter you are... The harder it is for you to find love... Just for the plain and simple fact that when you're smart... You think too much... Dumb people don't think that much... And in turn just go with what they're feeling... A smart person will sit and analysis what they're thinking... And in turn block out what they're feeling... Just because they want to be sure that everything lines up... And because they do that... They are constantly confused... And just give up on the whole thing... They literally shut down until there is no more...

I hate being so smart!!! UGH!! It's a burden... Truly... And I personally am in the shutting down phase... I don't want to be... But I am... 

Better luck next time...

....

Right now my mind is all over the place... 

So I'm going to do my best to get this out now...

Because it's raw...

And the most honest I think I can ever be...

In all honesty... I haven't talked to Robbie in over a year... So I can't really say we were that close... But my senior year of high school we had 2 classes together... (Neither of which we were quite fond of... and would skip on occasion) He was my co-anchor on the morning announcements... And I wouldn't have had it any other way... Robbie was one of those smart talented jocks that you wanted to hate... But couldn't help but love... He was just an all around great person... And in reality he will truly be missed by me... And I am frankly distraught over the news of his passing... I really just don't know what to think.... I mean in my head right now... I feel so bad for him... His family... And all his really close friends... But at the same time... I can't believe how someone so smart could something so idiotic! It blows my mind that he died by driving drunk... Something so ridiculous to me... And I thank god that no one else was a victim of his recklessness... It's crazy to me how people can even take the risk... And he was so young... I just can't seem to get my mind to focus on one emotion... One second I'm sad that he's gone... And then the next I'm pissed that he let this happen!! UGH!!! I always knew Robbie was the life of the party... But I never thought it would come to this...

So with that said... I just want to say... It's okay to live your life to the fullest... And party... And have a grand old time... But to do so recklessly... And at risk to others... I mean is it really worth a life?

I'm so sorry Robbie that you were the chosen one... And I hope that you didn't die in vain... 

RIP Robbie... You'll always be my favorite co-anchor...

"Signing off"

RIP Robbie...

I'm not in the right mind set for this right now...

I got so much in my head right now...

And I'm not sure what exactly I want to say...

I'm way too angry/upset/sad/shocked/confused to make any sense...

So...

To be continued...

Lightbulb!

You know that old saying...

"If you can't beat them... Join them."

Well as I finally completed A Raisin in the Sun... It became pretty clear that that is the worst advice ever!!!!

Seriously though... How can you be your own person if you follow that idea? Then you would just be like them... And who really wants to be like them?!?! 

Um... No one...

Random Observation...

I just realized that I am still trying to be the Little Mermaid... Man... You would think after oh uh....  17yrs that would fade... Well I guess not... l0l... 

I STILL WANNA BE ARIEL!!!!

l0l

MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!!

True change we can believe in!!!!

0h Meng... Really though...?

Man... 

I must say I really can't stand to kick someone when they're down...

And to do so unintentionally...

Because of someone else's malinntent...

I feel so horrible...

Mostly because I deal with this person on almost a daily business...

Why?

My thing is... 

I can't understand how someone can just let you do something so wrong on like a billion different levels?!?! How much of an bitchass person do you have to be to let someone else do your bidding?!? Ugh!!

Damn and I walked right into this!!!

So I guess the lesson is...

Do not be cool with anyone who point blank says they don't care about people...

It's just not smart...

So now...

I'm going to go with my brain instead of these atrocious feelings... 

And I'm peacing out! 

l0l

I'm walking right the hell out!!

Bad News...

OK... 

So... I was recently blessed with some information... That unfortunately was not good...

Really... It's quite disappointing... Especially because it's just another thing added to a list of negatives... 

I can't say it's surprising... Because really it's just not...

I can't understand why people do things that are so... Just so trifling... I mean really... What is there to gain? And really... Can you ever say you got away with it?

I realize that sometimes people do things they don't mean to do... But then sometimes... They are aware of everything they're doing... So why?

Why just not be straight with someone? 

What is it? Are they trying to spare someone's feelings? Or are they just trying to save face? 

To be truthfully honest... I wish this shit had come out a long time ago... But it's okay... It's out... And that's all that matters...

He's Just Not That Into YOU... I mean ME... l0l

So... About 3 yrs ago... I stole a book from a friend of mine out of shear boredom... The book just so happened to be "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Brehendt and some lady I think named Lisa...

Well anywho... I must say that book was the funniest... And most educational book I ever read... I mean really... Eventhough most of it is common sense... For all this information to come straight from a dude so blatantly... I was like wow... It's safe to say... That I can no longer bullshit myself... When all the answers I sought were in this book... I mean really after I read that book... I knew I would never allow myself to fall for the same bullshit....

Fast forward 3 yrs... And I had completely forgotten everything I learned...

So with the pending movie release based on this book... All the knowledge that I assertained 3 yrs ago has finally come back to me...

And I can say for certain today...

He's just not that into me... l0l

What are you gonna do?!?! l0l

Why do we settle?

Okay so I understand that it's in our nature as human beings to have someone... For the simple fact that we don't do well alone... (Example: Britney Spears) 

But really... Must we settle for crappy ass people...?

I mean... Is being alone so bad that we will knowingly get with someone or hang around someone who is the epitomy of a shithead... And allow them to make us the fool?!?!?

Seriously though... We will straight up ignore signs that someone is not genuine and is knowingly messing with our emotions... And believe the act that they are innocent... 

I mean I can't imagine that if someone is causing you pain... Or making you feel uncomfortable... That they have no clue that they are doing so... I just refuse to plain and simple...

Why is it so hard for us to say what we feel and risk losing the shithead who's causing you grief?Why is it so easy for us to settle for mistreatment by someone who claims to care about you? 

I just don't get it....