Oh Mayne...

I think the problem with us as a soceity is we're so busy trying to cordial and polite... and trying to be plain old nice to people that we forget that silence isn't a nice thing... I mean really... Hinting around the truth will cause more damage than its worth... And not telling the truth to spare ones feelings is cruel and just plain irresponsible in my opinion... I mean really... I don't endorse being rude when telling someone what's up... But I do believe at some point you have to be real and put it out there... Let's get past all that bullshit of trying to save someone's feelings and just be real!!! 

Shame... I'm Guilty...

Boredom will make you do a lot of things...

For the simple fact that you're bored and your imagination runs wild...

And for some reason common sense goes on vacation...

Then you're left with an overactive imagination... 

And nothing to stop the stupid ideas...

So... You see what had happened was... Everybody went out of town... And because when I'm bored... I become one of those people who over analyzes a situation... And then of course my mind went into overdrive... Common sense hit the road... And I started thinking all kinds of crazy things... And with nothing to stop me... I kind of got ahead of myself... And somewhat fell back into the same sinking boat that I was in before...

Man... This is some bullshit... I need to go somewhere too!!! l0l

Just wonderin...

So recently I been struggling with somethings...

I mean I have been going back and forward between liking someone...

And not liking someone...

It's really weird... 

I mean really when the feelings are gone...

Is it still possible to like the person?

One Way Street...

So... Enough about me...

Really guys...

I am so disappointed in music!!!

It's so damn boring... I mean really... No bangers... No NOTHING!

I mean damn... We got enough slow jams... Can I get a damn banger!!!

Lloyd where you at?!?!? l0l

But anytwho... While on a quest to find new music...

I came across a song by Sammie called "One Way Street"...

No it's not a banger...

But I like it... 

And even though that somewhat sated me...

I'm still searching... 

SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE! L0L

Okay I lied... I do have something to say... l0l

As of late... I've found myself being somewhat two-faced... (I mean I like the person and all... But just something just ain't right...) And in doing so... I've been trying to cover up my ill feelings towards a person by being super nice... And just trying too hard to be the best friend I can be... Well... 

It's not working... I mean... This person has done nothing to me personally... But the things this person says about others... And some actions that have taken place... (Actions I'm not supposed to know about... Some people are really open about there lives... l0l) So basically I'm trapped on a fence... On one side... I got "Man this person is really cool peoples"... and on the other... "I'm like damn this person is truely TRIFLIN'!!!" l0l... Ugh... Man... I wonder if this person even as a clue as to all I know... And still I talk to them!!! l0l But really though... I don't see myself doing this for much longer... Especially for a person I only see on occasion... I mean... All that's going on is way to much... And how the hell am I, knowing all that I know, going to expect any different? What makes me so special? 

Hmm.... Nader... Nader a damn thing... l0l... Man... If I didn't have to see this person on occasion... I most likely would have dipped when things first presented themselves as fishy... But because I do... I feel as if I have to continue like I know nothing... Grr... So...

To be Continued...

Hello World! l0l

So... 

Schools out...

About to depart from CC to University...

Hmm...

Funny how I went from a University to a CC and now back to a University... l0l

I know... 

I'm backwards...

It happens...

I really have nothing to talk about as of right now...

Stay tuned... 

I have a feeling things will come... l0l

l0l... I Just Feel Great...! l0l

I don't know what it is... But this last week I've been feeling so at ease... And nothing can shake it... I mean literally... Things that would have bothered me a month ago... Don't... And now... I just feel fricking great!!!! l0l... 

I love where I'm at... And it's a great feeling...

I just thought I'd share that with you... l0l

Let me be Clear...

I said in a previous blog that I wasn't a "fighter"... And I think I might have to explain what I mean... When i say I'm not a "fighter" I really mean... I'm not the type to start a problem... But I'll be damned if I'm not the one to finish it... So... To all those who think I will not speak up when provoked... Let me tell you... I will... 

Lessons In Love

"One: Lust is physical; love is emotional. You must know the difference. Two: I’ve learned that you have to take time to know yourself, to understand yourself and help put into perspective what you’re looking for before just jumping into something crazy. But then again I’ve also learned love has no limits, it can’t be defined by any words, or any definitions. Sometimes when you just jump into it, hey, it’s more exciting."

-The Love of My Young Life.. l0l..Lloyd

SOOOO EFFIN TRUE!!!

"Troubles like a cancer. You got get it early before it get to big and kills you."

Shit... I ain't even done...

I can't even say I've never felt this ripped before... What is this???? Ahh... #4... I'm going to go ahead and put it all out there... 

The first time was when I realized that the amount of time you knew somebody didn't mean shit when it came to popularity... (Yes Lauren... I'm talking about you) She was so caught up in fitting in... She forgot who her real friends were... She forgot who she was... And became someone completely opposite of the person I knew for years... Now number 2... Was priceless... This time I found out my friend wasn't my friend (Shout out to you Lashay)... Homegirls boyfriend straight up told me to ask girl if she liked me... I decided against it... And just let it go... Now number 3... I don't think I ever got that knife out my back.. And I can straight up blame my complete change in character on him (Of course this is you Avery)... Man... I thought he was my dude... I mean... I never in my life would have expected him to so blatantly stab me in the back... That I won't go into details about... Now number 4... I can't even afford to mention... It's to fresh... And I still got to deal with it... 

I don't even know what to say... All I got is... I'm ripped... Damn it... I'm ripped...

So Disappointed...

Days after the fact... I realized that I have crossed into dangerous territory... I know if I really wanted to go back... I could... But at the same time... I can't... Simply because... I don't want to... I'm not going to keep my mouth shut... I'm not going to pretend anymore that I have a greater grasp on a situation where I know I simply have no clue... I'm not going back to thinking damn... 

What are you saying to me? 

Why do I feel like I'm missing something?

Why do I need to watch what I say when I'm talking to you?

Man... YOU wonder why females are falling all over themselves to get to YOU? Why for some reason they keep throwing themselves at YOU even when YOU say YOU made it clear there ain't shit popping off? It's because YOU keep throwing out false hopes to them... YOU had to have known...

Real talk... YOU must think I'm on some other level of stupid because I can't even begin to believe that YOU have no idea what YOU're doing... Come on now... YOU're an adult... YOU been around the block... I just can't believe that YOU don't know what's going on... There's just no way... I can't even believe I let you fall into the victim role... Thinking "well maybe"... Maybe my damn ass! It's just not possible...

(If I did something that bothered you... You should have just said something... I don't read minds... I can't tell what's going on just by looking at you... For you to just not address that there is a problem with me... But then run your mouth to someone else... That's some bitchassness right there...)

I thought we were cool peoples... Damn... I am so disappointed... And real talk... I'm hurt... I was routing for YOU too... I gave you the benefit of the doubt... And I saw YOU as the Nice Guy YOU yourself claimed to be... My dude... I know you knew... You had to have known... Damn... YOU played me pimpin... But really... I can't say I'm surprised... 

What's wrong with feeling?

Okay... So I realize that I am having way too much fun with this whole blog thing... But I mean damn! Speaking my mind... With no interruptions... It's just great! l0l...

S0 moving along...

I been thinking a lot lately... Really taking a good look at myself... And others... And just basically asking myself questions... And the one that really stood out to me was... 

What is wrong with having feelings? 

What is so wrong with liking? Loving? Being hurt? Being scared?

I never realized until today that I saw having feelings as being weak... But to actually feel and live with those feelings... You have to be strong... Strong enough to accept them... To live with them... To express them... And deal with what comes with them...

As we all know... You can't control your feelings... There's no way to put them in check... No way to deny them... We can push them to the back of our minds... But eventually they surface in a way that is usually negative... And it all could have been avoided if you had just accepted them to begin with...

That was and has always been my way to cope with them... To act if they weren't there... And I would fight them tooth and nail just to be perceived as strong... As invincible... But in reality... I was weak... Weak in the fact that I would rather lie about what was going on inside of my head... And act as if everything was all good... I mean for a while... You can pretend it all doesn't exist... But then... No matter how hard you try... What you feel is what you feel? No if, ands, or but's...

It's funny that it's taken me almost 7 years and 4 somewhat special people to get to that brilliant conclusion... But it's hard when you have people around you faulting you for going with what you feel... Making side comments about you... Laughing about you... You just want to act as if nothings there... And pick on the people who have enough strength to acknowledge what they're feeling...

And to all those people I've done that to... I'm sorry... Your feelings... Are your feelings... And who the hell am I to judge?

All of this I realized last weekend... When once again... I lost control... And I finally got what I was supposed to learn... 

Liking... Loving... Being hurt... Being scared...

All legitimate feelings...

There's nothing wrong with feeling... Nothing at all... 

Really Though...

Man... I been reading a lot lately about people being played by the opposite sex... And the one thing I been seeing sort of a pattern in is the fact that all these people say "I never saw this coming"... And I just want to say... MY DUDE!!! YES YOU DID!!!! As much as we all try to play innocent... And act truly shocked... How can we possibly be? Especially when there are tell tale signs... Sure they may be little things... But real talk... Those little things are sure fire signs of bigger things to come... Everyone is so quick to make excuses for people... I mean really... Sometimes... We choose to ignore what every bit of common sense in our bodies is telling us... (And it's not like you can even pretend that it ain't there because you feel it all over ) So I can't seem to figure out why when someone shows their ass... We're quick to help them cover it up again... I mean really... WTF is that??? l0l... Really... So next time boys and girls... When you know damn well that somewhere down the line... Shit is going to hit the fan... Don't play and act all suprised when it do... Because you're bitchass knows you knew!!! You saw it!!! And you let it happen... Be real about it... I don't want to hear nothing... Your ass can kick rocks!!! l0l

 

Delusions of Grandeur...ENTER...{ME}

Man... 

Lately I've been on another level of crazy...

Someplace nobody should ever be...

The problem...

Is something I've dealt with before...

Well not really...

Because if I had... 

I wouldn't be in the same bullshit again...

So... 

I can't blame the situation anymore...

When obviously it's me...

Me not being honest with myself...

And accepting it or whatever it is I think is going on...

Or I think I want...

So right now is where I come to terms with what I really want...

And tell the truth...

Real talk and Contrary to Popular Belief

 I do have feelings- And I like those feelings they're exciting and they make life more interesting... 

No one can live without feelings...

I do have a heart- It's just a little weaker than most...

I do care about people-I care a little too much, so it's easier to just pretend I don't... 

I don't want to be nobody's girl right now- I just want to be me and not worry about no one else but me. I mean it sounds nice, but I can't do it right now. Too much on my plate.

I don't want no bullshit- I don't want people to pretend they like me when they don't. I'm not going to do that, so why the hell should you? 

I'm not the asshole I pretend to be- That person I've been lately. I don't really like. It makes me look stronger, but it's just not me. I'm not a fighter. I'm so non-confrontational. (So if i bring anything to your attention, it has to be serious because I don't do that.) Really I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet. Sure I may joke around and play mean, but I don't mean a word of it.

So... I've come to terms with who I am... And what I don't want in my life... I'm just me... And that's all I'm going to be...